My 2012 Wrap-Up

2012 had been a year filled with huge transitions for me. Never exactly a fan of documenting life shifts, I now see the beauty of it. How else do I grasp what is happening to me without putting things into writing?

Q1 of 2012: Graduation jitters 

We almost didn't make it! Our thesis is the perfect example of Murphy's Law. It was difficult to get what we had worked on the entire first semester so we had to reframe the thesis a little bit. The first quarter was spent being frazzled by more delays and disturbing a lot of friends for interview schedules. 

I have my thesis to thank for though because through it I was able to forge new connections while strengthening old ones. My thesis partner and I became closer because of the many depressing nights spent watching an entire year of news reports about the conflict in Mindanao. 

Q2 of 2012: To be or not to be 

I used to think that getting the diploma is the harder one until I had to make a choice on which opportunities to take. I am grateful for finally reaping what I have sown during college but it is difficult to say yes to one thing and say no to the rest. 

Unlike most of the people I know, I don't really have a dream company or a dream job. This made the choosing harder. Eventually, I decided to work in a start-up social news network. 

Q3 of 2012: Home sweet home

Left my first job in favor of something that would bring me back to Davao. It was a full quarter of trouble and fun. 

Trouble because it was the most tumultuous quarter I've ever had that with personal issues getting in the way of my goals. Nevertheless, it was a quarter that brought me to many beautiful places in Mindanao. I was able to go on a land trip that brought me to the very ends of Davao Oriental and Zamboanga City. 

Q4 of 2012: Tough decisions 

This quarter brought me back to my first job and first love. A lot was said about Manila's terrible pollution but I fell in love with the loudness of the city. Everywhere I go, everything screams - the buildings, the cars, the people. 

Taking things slow and looking before leaping were things I've only begun to appreciate when I learned their value the hard way. 

2012 had been exacting, yes, but here's to hoping that 2013 gives me everything I need to run life's race well. 

One day vs. Forever

From collider.com

How wonderful must it have been if we meet our one true love early in life and know that they are for us. It is a terrifying thing to face the world alone. Who says we need forever? I think all we need is just those brief moments with these people who could truly make us happy. And those little moments, although transient and fleeting make it worthwhile to wake up every single day.

To the real knight

She can ride on horses and make dreams come true. She's the original knight in shining armor (and tights!).
Sorry prince charming, but before you came into mythical existence, there were mothers all over the world making real castles for their little girls.
To my mother who never pressured me into anything (except for a random prodding here and there), thank you.

Holiday heroics

Great photoshop work replacing Jose Rizal's head with Pacman's

A semester ago I wrote a paper on Rizal and asked street children what to them are heroes. When asked about this, they all replied Rizal, hence, equating a proper name to a certain quality just as other kids would probably say Superman when asked what a hero is, except that Rizal is very real. Now my problem is, is Rizal really real for these kids? Or is he just a fictional comic book character?

~~~

Today we celebrate Araw ng Kagitingan (Day of Valor). It signifies the surrender of the U.S. and Filipino troops in Corregidor. I don't understand why we call it as such when the day's all about surrendering. Why the need to commemorate one's fall? Do we lack victorious moments that we scrimp on other historical moments such as falling just so we be able to celebrate something? Or could it be that there's some wisdom attached to it like courage is not only found in continuous struggle but that it is also apparent in being able to accept defeat? Regardless, the working class see this as a blessing for the very long weekend it allows for them.

Randoms

#1 Do I take something that I would be excited to wake up to everyday or do I go for one that would provide me security with not much feelings?

I know that I am unfairly polarizing two equally good opportunities to make it easier for me BUT I can't help it!

#2 Why is everyone so eager to prove that they got the brains by simply talking about this and that?

#3 Makati is a scary place for people wearing heels!

FWB

Pie chart is taken from Science of Relationships

Traipsing through invisible lines in an effort to keep people is a dangerous game to play. Most of the time, being firm and clear with what we want is better. It could hurt in the beginning but it has its rewards in the end.

I am talking about being friends with benefits with anyone. That status is endlessly fascinating for its literary beauty. Talking about repressing emotions and jumping in bed with each other sure sounds good when masterfully transformed into a series of metaphors and rhymes. In real life, it could cause distress. 

Wanting to have it simple, stable, and peaceful is not that bad. No strings attached could be tempting in a way that you're given the chance to mess with the one you're attracted to. Whatever one hopes to get from that; physical satisfaction or that one chance to be with that person is something that needs to be given serious thought. 

Agreeing to the friends with benefits status could either be courageous or thoughtless. Courageous in a sense that how it turns out was carefully weighed against the pros of being with that person. Thoughtless as the decision may just have been a result of too much alcohol or the proclivity to seek warmth. Whatever the motivations are, there are clear pitfalls in being friends with benefits.

In as much as courage is needed to agree to such status, the same courage to say no to it (no matter how tempting) is admirable. It could hurt for a while or could make us bang our head on soft walls for the sexual frustration or regret but it may prove to be wise in the end. 

However it is decided on, whether to go through it or say no to it is really just up to us. Is the initial fun and many orgasmic moments obtained from it better than solitary nights at home feeding stray cats? Would it be worth it to make oneself vulnerable to pain and jealousy despite the very nature of the relationship technically disallowing us to be?

Regardless, being aware of what we need and being firm to stand by that (no matter the consequences), whatever the choice is, is the only way to decide. 

---
Other takes on FWB:

For the science(y) perspective
For the humorous view

Unruly Cards

In a recent field trip to Bolinao, I had asked a classmate to read the cards for me. He mentioned that he has the ability so I was curious as to how it works. Personally, I avoid having my fortune told since it scares me more than it excites. I know of people who are very cooperative when it comes to those things saying that having a glimpse of what the future brings provide hope that things will change for the better or if not, it will help them plan what they are going to do to somehow soften the blow.

Using regular cards (the one used in playing black jack, etc.) he asked me to count the number of letters comprising the pet name I have for the person that I like. I gave him the number. He then asked me to shuffle the cards the same number of times as the letters to this particular person's pet name. With that, he did his thing and was able to reduce the cards leaving me with more or less five to six cards. The cards left were the king and the queen who's supposed to stand for he and I respectively. The other cards were two hearts (black and red) and some other cards with numbers.

According to the reading (he analyzed it based on the position of the cards), the guy and I know each other very well and seem to agree on a couple of things, since the king and queen are facing each other. He then looked at the position of the hearts and told me that although I know how I feel for this person, I still can't figure out yet how to really feel about the whole thing. As for this particular person, my classmate/card reader said that he has his back turned away from my heart which is another way of saying that he doesn't like me the way that I do.

Being bothered by a set of cards is not rational. I've been schooled and taught to believe that I am in-charge of my life and not some other force. What happened to the cards were arbitrary, that much I know. What is so frustrating is the fact that these things are supposed to support any daydream and act as cheerleader. I mean, I want to have the cards read in a way that affirms any delusion that I have of he and I being together. Instead of that, I get my hopes crushed by telling me what I already know but refuse to acknowledge - there's no us, just he and I, separated by spaces.

Last Friday Night

Food tripping on a Friday @ Katipunan 

I will be talking about what happened last Friday on a post that appears on a Sunday. That makes me two days inefficient. Nevertheless, what about Friday?

For the past couple of weeks, months, I haven't really gone out except for the required once a week grocery and other school-related errands. Although it is not a huge change from the kind of lifestyle that I'm used to, it still is a little strange that I don't find time to go out anymore. Last Friday was different as I had the rare opportunity to go out with my best friend.

She had been so busy with her field work that would take her to a province about three hours away from the university that the last time we saw each other was the first day of class after the holiday break. Lately, I've been feeling blue and demotivated but there's something about being with her that is therapeutic. I'm not saying that we all should get best friends just so we don't feel blue, I'm only saying that by surrounding ourselves with the people who value us (and we treasure in return), there's always joy to be found in being able to connect so well with another being despite life being so cruel at times.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Ah! Monday good news!

We have finally reached an agreement after a month-long of fighting.  No better way to start a week than mend fences and restore friendships. I had a gut-feeling that this friend and I really can't stay awkward for long... which is a good thing, really.

Relationships and people could be transient, yes, but there are ways to keep them! Have you made an effort to maintain good relations with people in your life or were you so passive you could be mistaken for a slug? Reevaluate, reevaluate!

Spread good vibes!

Scars

"Scars remind me that the past is real." (Papa Roach)

I remember when I was about six years old. My beautiful aunt, her friend, and I were walking towards the nearest market. It was hot that day and the town road wasn't cemented yet. I remember feeling very jealous because my favorite aunt was happily talking to her friend while I had to be on the side. I recall not understanding what they were talking about and feeling very stupid for not being able to interject smartly or just plainly contribute to the conversation. I was wearing my slippers then and the road was dusty and rocky. I tripped. I still carry the same scar today. At the center of my left knee, shaped like a squinting eye.

I was about four years old then. I liked wearing shorts so a mosquito bit the back of my right thigh. It was very itchy so I scratched it until it bled. My grandmother was a frustrated doctor and I was her first patient. She treated the inflamed mosquito bite with a sticky white liquid from a jackfruit. She also boiled leaves she found in the backyard and applied it to the wound. It got so big and probably very infected, she had to take me to a real doctor. I remember the pain I had to bear when the real doctor injected the huge wound with an antibiotic. Today, whenever I wear shorts, a prominent one-peso coin is embossed at the back of my right thigh.

I was in a different place, with my parents for the first time, and I was about five. I was at the living room. My mother was gently rubbing a warm towel all over me. We had to go see a real doctor. I was sick with chicken pox. I wasn't worried then about the spots until it began to heal and I saw that I looked like a dalmatian. My mother told me it will heal well. But a scar remains on my face; the one at the bridge of my nose. I carry it proudly today because my mother has an identical mark.

Loser baby

Me and my sob stories again. I vowed to stop using this space to talk about trivial things about me and my smashed heart. I have barely gotten over otl and now something that hasn't even started yet came to an abrupt halt.

To celebrate this, here's a song...

We miss singing + 5 songs from way back

I haven't sung in a long time. Not as much as croak out a tune or two.  I used to sing. Now I only listen. For someone who likes singing, this is heartbreaking.

The last time I sang was November 2011. In 2012, the closest to singing that I got to was humming. If the world's gonna end, somebody bring me to a KTV and let me get hoarse singing out my throat!

Frog singer from R. Michelson Galleries

--
On a side note, I've somehow expanded my music library that with the swanky re-discovered artists that I'm slowly getting addicted to. Note to self: must post a well-expounded write-up on each artist or at least their songs.

For now, I'll just do the typical listing without the belabored explanations. I could go on to argue of course that these artists really don't need introductions anymore... but let's not go into that. Note to self: must really post a fan girl-ish write up before the weekend comes to a close!



1. Bob Dylan's Tangled Up in Blue

2. Belle and Sebastian's The State I Am In 

3. Nirvana's About A Girl 

4. PJ Harvey's Down By The Water 

5. Cathy Dennis' Too Many Walls 

Apparently, I've gone totally 90s and waaaaay back with my song selection. I haven't had the chance to listen to songs on the radio so I don't know any good current acts. I should try to live in the present more often. Hahahaha.

Regardless, I hope the top 5 (in no particular order) provides good balance to what's currently playing. These songs, after all, can withstand time and still sound 'current' no matter what year. 

cold porky... very very cold porky. 

Great Career Comebacks

Happy 2012! Halfway to the month, but hey it's never too late!

Quick update

• I've been speed reading. Been losing sleep for YA fiction (the main reason why I haven't been updating this small virtual space). :P If only class readings are this interesting... I must admit though that I've been reading a lot of class readings too. The past three semesters have been straight forward journal articles for me. Now, it's different. I've read The Odyssey so far and found that Odysseus is kinda full of himself. Read Antigone too and thought that she's mighty brave for going against Creon's edict. (more of these fun reads when I get around to writing it over the break)
• Will be going home on the 17th and is super excited to see le familia again. Hope I can squeeze in a few meet-ups with high school classmates I enjoy spending time with. Looking forward too to some down time at home... Watch movies. Look at the cobwebs on our ceiling. Talk to my grandparents. 
• Found some voluntary stint for me that will start next year. I must admit that even though I'm excited about it, I'm also a bit scared. What if my skills won't be enough? What if they won't benefit from my existence? Oh well... I have the whole holiday break to prepare myself. 

Eating books again

I'm back in the game. I've been reading fiction again. I didn't know how much I miss being an emotionally engrossed observer snooping into the literary lives of make-believe characters until I finished several books. Oh yes, I've been speed reading (the perks of having to read so many things for different subjects is that it actually increases reading speed without compromising comprehension).

For a while, I shied away from fiction in favor of journal articles and the history of this and that type of books. General knowledge and a deeper understanding on how real-life issues, not to mention course-related work, was how I ended up not making time at all for fictional stories.

Yada yada.

Is this a sign that I'm slowly finding my way to valid literary outputs in the future? I hope so. But for now,  I'd really just like to sink my teeth into these pieces of joy. :)

Addressing the love posts

A good friend from high school asked me if my cheesy posts involved an assortment of people. Just to clarify, the posts are directed only to one person.

There really isn't much to write about that love since it's in the past tense now. That particular chapter is over.

So let's move on to better things, shall we?

Murakami's Cabbages

Lately, I've been reading some of Haruki Murakami's shorts. In one of his essays, he said that in order to be a writer, we need to live first. He went on to talk about how he only started writing again at 29.

According to him, he needed the seven year gap after college to just "live actually". He said that back in his college days there was so much he wanted to write but when he sits down, he can't put his ideas together. 

For so long now, I've been struggling with the same thing. I watch by the sidelines envious of the works of people my age or younger. I started writing poetry when I was about eight. I think it had something to do with the national flag. I also kept a notebook of my poems from when I was 10 to 16. 

When I went to college, there was so much to learn. I met a lot of inspiring people from my creative writing class. They stimulated... no... they challenged me to work harder. So when I was 17, I was able to write a handful of poems that aren't that bad. 

Things changed in second year. I've found it increasingly harder to write. It is a frustrating thing to wage a staring war with a blank sheet of paper. Just when I think that there's something good to write about, the whole thing escapes me when I sit down and try to write. 

I really can't figure out what's wrong with me. But hopefully, I'd have that baseball field moment Murakami had when he was 29 so I too could finally sit down and write again. 

Kani sa para gamay ra ang makasabot (conclusion)

February this year, I wrote about a very personal story that I had to write it in a language I use most often when speaking (Bisaya). So here we go again.

Last na gyud ni.

Di na gyud tingali ni dapat dugayon pa. Human na. Pagkahuman sa hapit tulo ka tuig nga atras-abante, nahuman ra gyud mi. Dili ni happy ending in a sense nga wa nagdayon si Prince Charming ug si Fiona.

It can be recalled nga sa akong other entry nag-ingon ko nga wala na gyud, and that was about nine months ago. Daghan ug nahitabo in between, tug-of-war ang drama.Well, mao na jud ni ang ending. Ug sure na ko ani. Tung una man gud, mag-emote emote ko kada hormonal ko (that time of the month nga sobra ka lisod sabton ang mga babae) ug akong ginahimo kay ginapangita siya dayon maghilak hilak. Crayola collection.

Giunsa ba nako pagkahibalo nga wala na gyud? Simple lang. Pag pangotan-on ko sa akong mga amiga kung abri pa ba ang door (charrot) para kang *bleep* kung sa very very unlikely chance nga mubalik siya para nako or something dawaton pa ba nako siya. Sa pagkakaron ug sa akong pagkaila sa akong kaugalingon, dili na. Wala ko kabalo kung unsa ang in store for the future pero dili man nako makit-an na nga naa pa siya sa akong kinabuhi in the future as leading man. Lol.

Kadto. It ended well. Wala may drama kaayo. I thought naay sparks or mukalit ug linog pag marealize nako nga humana among pelikula, pero wala man. Time and gravity did its magic.

Unsa na ang naa karon?

1. Wala na nako giputol ang communication between us. There's no need, actually.
Medyo na proud ko ani sa akong sarili. Kaya na nako mag coexist mi.

2. Friends pa gihapon mi.
At least nasalvage pa namo ang among friendship. We're good together as friends, sure gyud ko ana. Restored na pud ang among pagiging friends sa social networking sites. So yeah. Offline and online selves kay at peace na.

3. Freedom baby.
Sa kadugay nga bug-at akong gibati (dili lang tungod sa akong fats, k?), karon kay nigaan na gyud. I like to stay this way. Or isavor sa nako ang kani nga feeling karon. Liberating kaayo to know nga nalipay ko, in my own terms ug dili tungod sa kung kinsa pa. Period.

Mao na ni. Di na nako tas-on pa kaayo.

PARA SA TAMAD MAGBASA: Listen to John Mayer's Slow Dancing in a Burning room for this entry's summary.

What is it about haircuts?

A girl's life is told through her hair. One look at a long time girl pal's hair will tell you what she is going through. An extension of a girl's feelings is her hair, so to speak. To be able to maintain a long hair despite of bespeaks of strength, religious dictum, or economic limitations. No girl can keep a long hair or a short hair long enough without doing something to it. A few highlights here and there. An unnoticeable trim around it. There's gotta be something.

Glee's Quinn Fabray post-Finn 

Judy Ann Santos after weight loss (or when she was trying to lose weight)

Former Philippine President Gloria Arroyo post-Edsa 2 oath-taking

The more drastic a change in hairstyle, the more radical the shift is in her life.

Like now. I decided to chop off my locks I took two years to grow. I told myself to resist cutting it off no matter what happens. But then again, I'm done with the graduation picture (and more) so nothing's stopping me. Not even my mother's tempting promise of a nice hair treat when I go back home.

I kept my word for two years. But somehow, I feel that I have to write new stories with a different hair. Take new pictures of my last semester in the university with a significantly shorter hair. I've been so vain about my hair for the past couple of years. I want to keep it simple this time.

What does cutting signify? Ribbon cutting ceremonies represent an opening of something new. Cutting the losses mean letting go of something not worth keeping anymore. Merging the two meanings make up what getting a haircut entails.

Entering the salon to have a haircut is the first step towards the ceremony. It's not easy to let go of long locks of hair that took years to grow (and a lot of cash on hair products). Some girls take months and months collecting hair pictures and deciding which one would suit her best. Other girls go to salons right before (or after) making a huge decision.

With every inch cut, there's always that hope of something new (not necessarily better, but here's to hoping that things go for the better) growing out from the now short hair. All the hair now on the floor become memories of that distant past where the hair probably had ugly split ends or where the hair was stroked by a hand a girl don't want to be reminded of.

Cheers to brand new beginnings!