Surviving goodbye

Days are getting fewer and yet I am growing increasingly restless. I have gotten past the worst and am now breathing again. Despite that, I cannot be calmed.

What remains of my time here is going to be tough for I find myself unwilling to do anything anymore. I may be physically present but my mind wanders. I am seated somewhere well-lighted and spacious with the view of the sky almost black with pollution. I am hearing a lot of noise - talks about the recent political boo-boo, furious tip-tapping of the keyboard as the deadline nears, door opening followed by hurried footsteps.

I am no longer suffocated in the corner nodding wordlessly. Temporary compliance and patient tolerance just to get by until this is finally over is how I survive until I can feel, smile, be me once more.

There is no going back now. I have never felt so free.

Uking it out

A gibberish rendition of Obladi Oblada by The Beatles

I went over uke renditions of some pop songs when it suddenly hit me. I used to live like the music a uke makes. Before I was velvet violin , I was sunny uke.

I guess some of life's realities have a way of messing with our disposition. Then again, there is always a choice. I find it ridiculous how I had spent most of my time the past few weeks mulling over things I cannot change yet when I should be having fun.

Months ago, I planned on learning how to play the uke. Somehow, that little plan had been buried beneath piles and piles of other worries. I'm glad I remember it now. Remembering... Speaking of which, while forgetting is hard, remembering is just as difficult. After all, you would only realize that you have forgotten something after you have remembered it.

Like tonight. I remembered how I loved the uke and how one fine day last October I went to a music store and hungrily ran my hands through the uke's body.

Next pay day, I buy a uke and work on learning how to play it.

LSS Recap

I have been singing the same songs the past couple of weeks. It's formulaic, the way I sing songs. One song for a day or two (or more). Loop, loop, loop, until the singer sounds like s/he's just reciting a poem.

So here are the most oft played songs;

1. Naked by Avril Lavigne

Yes because I'm sometimes a sunny emo kid. Most oft repeated line: I'm naked around you...

On a personal note, I always type in Naked Avril whenever I search for her. Sounds very porn-ish, no?

2. Infatuation by Maroon 5

I used to be apathetic of Maroon 5's existence. I just thought that they're cute (especially Levine) when I saw them in Sara Bareilles' Uncharted music video. Anywho. Most oft repeated line: This could be in-fa-choo-a-tion... I want it i want it i want it.

3. This Old Man

A children's song. I found myself humming along to the tune of this while I was surfing the internet. It's actually a very relaxing song with the repetitive notes that never go wrong. 

Tracy's time

This wretched human capacity to feel too many things. Tracy Chapman, rock on!

Sunday Music Gift Pack

I feel almost bad for not posting an entry on music. This is a mix of the mainstream and the obscure. Enjoy!

Not Like the Movies by Katy Perry

I swear I could write an entire post on this song, but I decided I shouldn't. :) A beautiful song about hoping for the kind of love seen in romcoms. The beat is melancholic hinting on the story being told in the song.

The Marriage by Billy Bragg

I only knew of this artist recently and I'm already liking him! Here is the first song by him that caught my attention. In the song, he dishes on what he thinks about getting married accompanied by an upbeat melody. The instruments used were blended so well you'd love the song even if you have issues with the view presented.


Throw Me a Rope by KT Tunstall

Another slow song that talks about how to be clingy in a subtle way.

Sunday soundtrack

Sara Bareilles and her songs (and her cover choice) never fail to summarize how I feel. Happy Sunday! :)

Dickens x Dylan x Cyrus

Charles Dickens celebrated his 200th birthday yesterday. He has a body of work that remains relevant until today and not one of it I've read. Sure I'm familiar with the plots of A Tale of Two Cities, Great Expectations, and what-have-you... but I've never actually read a Dickens.

I wonder how many people around here's like me. 

For the auditory,  I found some audiobooks in Jessica Zafra's blog. It's a pretty neat collection with Hugh Laurie lending out his hotness in Great Expectations. 

---

Now that I'm done attempting to be litera(ture)lly relevant, I got a pleasant surprise. Miley Cyrus can sing! A friend introduced me to her cover of a Bob Dylan favorite, You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go. Both the recorded and the live versions rock! If she takes care of her voice, she might stay in the music industry longer than any other Disney star. 

Where does she get all these haters from when as far as I'm concerned, this rendition did justice to a Dylan favorite?

The song's a perfect chill-out company after a long day's work. 

Screw stigma, Miley can sing. I'm honestly looking forward to whatever album she's coming up with. Here's to hoping she doesn't disappoint. 

We miss singing + 5 songs from way back

I haven't sung in a long time. Not as much as croak out a tune or two.  I used to sing. Now I only listen. For someone who likes singing, this is heartbreaking.

The last time I sang was November 2011. In 2012, the closest to singing that I got to was humming. If the world's gonna end, somebody bring me to a KTV and let me get hoarse singing out my throat!

Frog singer from R. Michelson Galleries

--
On a side note, I've somehow expanded my music library that with the swanky re-discovered artists that I'm slowly getting addicted to. Note to self: must post a well-expounded write-up on each artist or at least their songs.

For now, I'll just do the typical listing without the belabored explanations. I could go on to argue of course that these artists really don't need introductions anymore... but let's not go into that. Note to self: must really post a fan girl-ish write up before the weekend comes to a close!



1. Bob Dylan's Tangled Up in Blue

2. Belle and Sebastian's The State I Am In 

3. Nirvana's About A Girl 

4. PJ Harvey's Down By The Water 

5. Cathy Dennis' Too Many Walls 

Apparently, I've gone totally 90s and waaaaay back with my song selection. I haven't had the chance to listen to songs on the radio so I don't know any good current acts. I should try to live in the present more often. Hahahaha.

Regardless, I hope the top 5 (in no particular order) provides good balance to what's currently playing. These songs, after all, can withstand time and still sound 'current' no matter what year. 

Why Sunday music deserves a second chance (Part 1 of many parts)

Many people, including me before I realized that i'll never be the hot indie chick, avoid Sunday music like the plague because;
(a) it has cheesy lyrics that go predictably like "I can't live without you" "why did you leave me" "baby come back" in its 'in yo face' form without the slightest effort to disguise it into something a bit cryptic that would need a little more brainpower and imagination [hello Arctic Monkeys, you there?]
(b) there's no other way to interpret the lyrics except that they're... uh well... what they have to say that they are
(c) chances are you'll hear one song played multiple times in any radio station at any time of the day (do an experiment and count how many times King and Queen of Hearts is played, will you?)
(d) it's just not cool okay?! *i don't kare (idk) face... get the joke? hahaha.
(e) [insert own sentiment here].

This by the way is not, in all counts, an entry to agitate any of these people (1) the indie people who just can't bring themselves to listen to Sunday music on the radio (2) the people who don't know what a radio is because all they knew ever since were the i(ed) contraptions (3) all the other people who just don't like music, period (4) a mix of these (take your pick 1 & 2, 1 & 3, or until you exhaust all the possible combinations) (5) [insert what kind of awesome you think you are].
I have friends who are any of the categories or a mix of it and music never really got in the way of our friendship. Peace and love!

Rather than making this look like an outline to some expository essay with all the unelaborated points, let me present some of the Sunday songs that I overlooked before in my eagerness to join the cool person bandwagon (my very demented concept of cool that is).

1. Can't Fight This Feeling (by Reo Speedwagon released in the 80s)
Before everyone decided that people who like Glee are so clueless because it became so mainstream (partly guilty of this offense... but it's more like school got in the way *thesis daw* and it doesn't have enough story to make me come back if not to listen to the songs they make covers of), Finn Hudson made this mainstream  (again) by singing this in the shower. Some time in 2005 it was featured in a Hallmark card Valentine advertisement, a testimony of its cheese overload.

Seriously speaking though, Can't Fight This Feeling is about the decision made by a long time friend to "cross the border" after trying so hard to "fight the feeling". This can have queer interpretations, take your pick. So for imagination's sake, try making up as much interpretations for these lines (all cherry picked to make my point about the queer theory). But then, really, I wanna take Barthes' route and the Russian formalists' defamiliarization crusade and try to capture the very colorful modern-day romances that defies sex, age, race, etc. And who says this is all about romance? For all we know, this is just about a person trying so hard to find a comfort room!

By far my most loved rendition of this. Simple, mellowed down, and good ol' sincerity jumping out the song.

I can't fight this feeling any longer. 

And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow. 

I told myself I can't hold out any longer.

I only wish I had the strength to let it show. 

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you. 

You make everything so clear.

2. I'd Really Love To See You Tonight aka Let's Have Some Uncomplicated Hanky Panky Tonight* (by England Dan and John Ford Coley released in the 70s)

This song is the most honest, romantic way of telling a person that you just want to be next to a warm body because you are hormonal or the guy version of that. Of course this song could have some celibate, PG13 interpretations. But then again, how else could these lines mean? 

I guess I really just wanted to talk to you.

And I was thinking maybe later on, 

We could get together for a while.

And for the uncomplicated hanky panky part;

I'm not talking 'bout moving in, 

And I don't want to change your life.

(la la la)

I won't ask for promises, 

So you don't have to lie.

In a language that appeals less to prurient interest, the song is really just a hook-up hymn among two people who aren't so sure yet of their feelings for each other so they just decide to keep it unproblematic by just being together for a night without talking about the future. WARNING: This kind of thing shouldn't really be done by people who aren't ready to face THE consequences yet. 

3. Carolina In My Mind (by James Taylor released in the '70s)

After pheromone-loaded songs, I'm gonna talk about nostos (return journey) now. Carolina In My Mind is the perfect soundtrack as Odysseus and his crew sail on the violent sea and go up and against Poseidon's wrath caused by Odysseus blinding his one-eyed son, Polyphemus. Picture this: a clear day for Odysseus and his crew with this song in the background as a dark cloud slowly builds up or a group of sharks oh so slowly tail them waiting for the perfect timing. Odysseus has been away from home (well... his splendid kingdom) for more or less 20 years!  (we talk nostos in detail some other entry or just Google it) 

Back to longing, the song's a perfect music for OFWs after a day's work in a foreign land as they ceremoniously pack their things to prepare to head to their temporary quarters, the sun setting simultaneously as they organize what little thing they have. 

So what does Odysseus and the OFWs have in common**? The longing for home. Though there certainly are differences in their situation (Odysseus is rich! He had to leave home for the Trojan War. The OFWs had to leave because it was difficult for them to find well-compensated jobs here). These lines perfectly capture what they miss so much about home:

Dark and silent last last night

I think I might have heard the highway calling 

Gees in flight and dogs that bite 

Signs that might be omens say I going, going

I'm goin' to Carolina in my mind 

A very young (and handsome in a starving artist kind of way) James Taylor complete with catchy whistling in the intro

Random trivia: Clay Aiken of American Idol fame (or infamy?) covered this song as well as Alison Krauss.

Why these songs deserve 5 minutes of your day or the full on more or less 15 minutes of your life to contemplate on these songs in marathon-mode: 

a. It happened to be on the radio. Instead of changing the station, you opt to just give it a go and enjoy the charming quality of old songs. 

b. I've tried so hard to pique prurient/artistic/emo interests. So there. Please cooperate and listen to the song already. Plus they really have serious merits that you music connoisseurs could write about or think about on the very least. 

c. If only to imagine James Taylor singing Carolina in my Mind during his glory days, fine! 

If these frontliners aren't enough to get the unexcitable crowd excited, I don't know what is. But I'd be faithfully posting some more Sunday mainstream radio songs. :)

Until the next three songs! 

---

Notes: 

* this is in no way to degrade the short-story inspiring song. Blase translation was made to interest that kiddo who thinks that honesty is so "last season"

**gleaned from a lecture by Prof. Jose Duke Bagulaya

Bob Dylan and Adele Make Us Feel

I think an introduction is due. I'm already familiar with the song even before Adele popularized it. Make You Feel My Love is a Sunday staple in radio stations at home with Bob Dylan's cowboy rendition.

The importance of this song lies on M. and I's conflicting interpretations of it. What we came up with is so polarized! M. said he felt blue after hearing it while I felt positive energy coursing through me.

What made him so sad is the idea that although the love talked about in the song is pure and naive, it's one-sided (credited probably to the way Adele's music video was made and the song's tempo). Whereas I, thought that it's a very sweet song to offer to someone I really love, I even went on to say that a mom could sing that to her newborn (is this going too far?).

I think the song is beautiful that way for it to have multiple interpretations.

I initially imagined it as a song for the beloved especially with the lines;

When the evening shadows

And the stars appear

And there is no - one there

To dry your tears

I could hold you

For a million years

To make you feel my love

For anyone who lacks practice in making words taste like honey, the song could easily convey what the lover feels. Hitting the play button with the right ambiance will do its magic. It can be sang if the lover is confident enough to sing the song even (the song is actually easy to sing as it can be half-sung, half-spoken with some characteristic rockstar slur/swag).

I tried the stripped off version (without the lyrics) and the melody works just as fine. I can honestly imagine a mother here humming this song to her child who came home crying because some playmate destroyed the sand castle he built. 

Here comes the power of visuals now. How it can provide context to a song and give it some sort of story, as demonstrated in Adele's music video is very much a reflection of Roland Barthes' argument pertaining to the Author. Barthes' assertion in the Death of the Author that "the birth of the reader must be at the cost of the death of the Author". With this, he concurs with Mallarme's belief that it is the language which speaks, not the author...that point where only language acts, 'performs' and not 'me'. In this case, the person/people who conceptualized the music video featured a woman (played by Adele) alone in her hotel room, thinking about someone, then sending him/her a SMS as she sings. It can tell of despair; wanting to be able to share the love she has but can't because of whatever the situation they have that stops her from doing so (beloved may not feel the same way or he/she is too impassive to feel anything).

To give the song a new life by making it ironic through its visuals is an interesting way to rouse discussion. While irony is common, I particularly liked how my construction of the song's meaning was challenged when I watched the music video. 

Earlier, I was so dead-set on the idea that the song is filled with all the naivete common among kids. Confronted with the music video, I had to think again and contemplate on how such a sweet song could taste so bitter as a woman alone in her hotel room is shown with the light in her room the only one turned on. 

*Barthes' article is at http://evans-experientialism.freewebspace.com/barthes06.htm

How to Love Coldplay

I cannot help but be really excited about Coldplay's new album, Mylo Xyloto. It was just released today in London and the U.S. (I can't remember accurately but the point is that it's released today).

I'm honestly not a huge fan of male singers or male groups for that matter. All of the songs in my fave playlist are sung by females. Not that I'm being a sexist or anything. It could probably be that I can imagine myself singing the songs when girls sing it. Hence, it's just me being narcissistic. :)

So anyway, it all started with Yellow (as far as most non-Coldplay listeners have their first encounter of the band). I liked how it can make me imagine so much. It helped even more that they started the song with 'stars'. No girl could resist the mention of a 'star'. And for it to include 'for you I'll bleed myself dry' made it all the more addictive. So there, the stars and blood donation did me.

BUT

I wasn't instantly a Coldplay convert yet. I can't love a band based on a song alone. I need to know a couple more...

Next is The Scientist (again, among the more common ones that get into the mainstream radio). However, I didn't chance upon the song via radio. It was my roommate who coerced me into listening to The Scientist. Well.. Not really. But she plays the song every morning so the song sort of became our morning anthem.

Violet Hill is the third song that I loved. I think it means waaaay more than a lover-beloved dynamic coz it had some political messages embedded in the lyrics. Anyways, I liked the "If you love me, won't you let me know?" "If you love me, why'd you let me go?" part of the song. The melody has that unpolished beat to it reminiscent of the time before autotuning was invented. Or back when vinyl records were considered modern.

Whenever I hear Fix You, I feel comforted. I feel that someone is around to reassure me that things are going to be alright. For things that you have to deal with on your own (coz there are things that you just can't tell your friends about), the song Fix You is good company. Lights will guide you home... I will try to fix you... When you're too in love to let it go... But if you never try you'll never know...

Last is Viva La Vida. It ironically has a very lively beat to it despite the lyrics which for me tell of a has-been's tale. Nevertheless, I liked how happy it sounds. It strikes me as a song of a has-been who has accepted his/her fate and has already moved on.

It's not really difficult to love this band. Their songs are very simple with kick-ass imagery. They've somehow mastered that beautiful mix of poetic lyrics and pop-appeal. And for a populist like me (and admittedly with some penchant for poetry), it's always an amazing thing to be able to make a lot of people appreciate what for you is beautiful.

Being poor in UP

A semester from now and I can finally call myself a UP graduate. I held on to the beautiful promise a UP education could give me; a good job that would allow me to help my parents put my brothers (I have 2) through college, a distinguished name for myself in our barrio (as most of my kababarrio find it hard to go to college because of economic realities), and a chance to learn from the people whose names I only read in textbooks and newspapers or watch on tv. The assurance of a life much better than the one I've always known has pushed me (and is still pushing me) to endure all the challenges that comes alongside choosing to study in an expensive school (in my family's capacity).

After all, what would I, a girl from an unheard of barrio, be had I not taken the risk and defied the laws of gravity by coming to Manila to study? I was even mistaken for a bisaya househelp by an airport security guard who helpfully showed me the way to the queue for a cheap, non-airport taxi. Five years after, I can still recall that incident. A lot has happened since then. I learned how to fix myself in a way that would make me not stand out so much in a crowd. I learned to at least "belong". 

Much of my stay in college is marred by days when I didn't have much money in my pocket except for that candy wrapper. I always had to work. I jokingly tell my friends that I am the founder of private English teaching to Koreans. I was 16 when I braved the yet unknown to me Commonwealth Avenue to look for people who would take a chance on a public-schooled girl who was never able to read any high school classic readings like Beowulf or never had the chance to read Harry Potter in the comfort of her room until the pirated e-book versions came. There were times when getting a reading was hard I always had to borrow photocopies from my friend. There also were countless times when I had to borrow my friend's laptop just so I can type an essay due since going to a computer shop would mean I have to spend more than Php 20 just to type it out. My computer skills then was really bad. With a Bachelor of Arts undergrad, scholarships are hard to come by too. 

I cannot complain because I chose UP. So instead of crying (though I drop a tear or two in the safety of the comfort room as I defecate), I had to put on this "all is well" look. And though I have really understanding friends, it is hard to explain poverty to them who don't find it hard to photocopy a bunch of readings or buy a required book. In my first few years in UP, I sometimes asked why I had to be poor. At times when I am hormonal I even give in to tears. I wondered why did I choose to study in UP Diliman when I can go to an affordable state university in Davao City. The answer to that is still unknown to me and can only be determined by what happens to me in the next few years. 

Hardships here has tempered my otherwise emotional tendencies. Instead of wanting an ear to share my pains with, I kept mum and worked hard for the things that I need in school. When I see another UP student who does not find it hard to get copies of required readings, I learned to shrug it off. If this is a good thing or not, I don't know. But it has kept me sane throughout the years. 

I have no aversion directed to rich people studying in UP. It's just sad that the number of poor students studying here is not proportional to the actual number of poor people in the Philippines. I feel that the poor are outnumbered by the rich here when in reality, the poor outnumbers the rich. This is not to deny those who can afford a quality education; this is to bemoan the unequal access to quality education. 

It's still an honor to graduate in this institution that prioritizes honor and excellence more than anything else. To all those poor kids like me who want to study here (should there be any poor kid left dreaming of a UP education), prepare yourself to four years or more of paid work while in college. At times you would want to surrender but the world still turns and you can't be left behind. 

(note: I'm a bit busy right now so I'll write more about survival tips in a few days)

Rizal lifeline

Rizal is such a versatile personality that anyone, for any purpose, reinterpret his life, decisions, and writings based on intended effects. I am subject to that now. I haven't done 'reinterpretations' yet but I'm afraid I'm being utilitarian by reading him (or things about him) like a lifeline.

I am aware that a lot of people have it worse than I do, like those kids from Norway scarred by that crazy man who gunned down everyone that he saw or those children in conflict-affected areas who are not sure if they can see the light of day by tomorrow (I doubt if they want morning to ever come). Reading Rizal is therapeutic. It gives me a great sense of relief that great people like him were in a way or another just like me.

It's really great that Rizal kept his diaries, letters, etc. for the world to see. If not for that, we will be left to speculate about his life. But then, even if we have it, we still speculate and spin away so many theories about how he is as a son, friend, lover. All that he has left were really helpful to craft an image of a Rizal that we like to imagine.

Looking at him now through the eyes of my professor make my Saturdays easily the best and the only day I look forward for in the week. Things aren't going so well for me these days that I am comforted to be transported into Rizal's world, at least for a couple of hours.

Stephen Bennett is my guitar hero.

I can't believe a few five-finger picking could make me weep. Blackbird no less.

Background check: Stephen Bennett arranged the music behind that poignant song centered around the struggle of the blacks to have their civil rights recognized. I'm no Beatles fan but I'm slowly falling in love with their music.

I fell in love with the lyrics first, the music after. The lyrics had the Haiku-feel because of how compact it is. The song only lasts for 2 minutes and yet it can say so much more than what a 5-minute song can. It may be soothing but the music behind it gives it so much more layer. The lyrics may be great but the accompanying tune gives it a more dramatic impact. How the lyrics tell of struggling and 'breaking free' is perfectly captured by the music's arrangement making the output a perfect mix of bliss with a tinge of distress. How it captures the emotions (may it be by the blacks' struggle for acknowledgment or some personal struggles) associated with the lyrics make it worth listening to over and over again.

The tempo's really fast, upbeat to a certain extent but it works wonders in my tear ducts. I don't know exactly what kind of style guitar players use when they use all five fingers to create music instead of strumming but for me it's more effective in tugging whatever strings are attached to the heart. By looking at the guitar player, it seems like it's pulling several guitar strings to create that oh so wonderful music; closing my eyes to feel the music, it seems like it's pulling the strings of my heart too, hence creating that internal musical experience that is not only experienced by the ears but by the heart as well.

Sad because nobody felt that Stephen Bennett was worth that picture on the right side of Wikipedia. C'mon people, the man certainly has created the most wonderful musical piece (or arrangement, whatever you call it) by staying faithful to the literary piece that is Blackbird's lyrics. To say that Blackbird's a nice song is an understatement. To treat S. Bennett like he's just one of those music men is an insult to the genius that he is.

My Life According to Sara Bareilles

Being a big fan that I am, tonight would be about Sara Bareilles' songs again. :)

Mechanics: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.
                  You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title.
                  It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name/artist)"


Note: I btw, to make it more interesting turned the shuffle on and let technology dictate who I am... :D

Describe yourself: King of Anything (now this is sassy. but i like it still.)
How do you feel: City (it also sounds like shitty. ahaha)
Describe where you currently live: Many the Miles (away from you, many the miles yes)
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Gravity (something always brings me back to you... oh man. i'm over you. but why for all possible songs, this? now what?)
Your favourite form of transportation: Breathe Again 
Your best friend is: Too Good For You (too true! i can only be half [well not even close] as good. i feel like a baddie now]
Your fear: Between The Lines 
What would you love to do right now: Love on the Rocks (it could be that i'd love to make love on the rocks or find love on the rocks? whatever. this isn't making sense to me. you could prolly help?)
Where do you want to be: Bottle It Up (in a bottle? what? a genie in a bottle? hahahahaha)
What are you proud of: Let the Rain
What do you want: Send Me The MOON (this is getting interesting... i love the moon)
What do you want to discover: Waiting to See
What would you like to happen: Say You're Sorry
What would you do for happiness: Hold My Heart
What is the best advice you have to give: Pretend (what?)
Thought for the day: Gonna Get Over You 
How I would like to die: Red (gruesome e?)
My soul's present condition: Uncharted
My motto: Any Way The Wind Blows

♫♪How much do you go to be gone
You are any way the wind blowsAny way the wind blows in ♪♫

DJ play that song

If I ever become a disc jockey in an alternate universe, my listeners (which would, in a conservative estimate (AHAHAH!), probably comprise everyone) will have to put up with these songs I'd play in shuffles (coz I am full of mercy like that)!
   1. Drops of Jupiter – Train
   2. My Love – Sara Bareilles
   3. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer
   4. We've Got Tonight – Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton
   5. Gives You Hell – All American Rejects
   6. Never is a Promise – Fiona Apple
   7. Falling Slowly – Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
   8. Paglisan – Color it Red
   9. Crash into Me – Dave Matthews Band
 10. Desperado - Eagles