Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Not so random summer reflections part 2v

Love. I used to substitute this for short "relationships" that's fun in the beginning but becomes painfully bad for my ego towards the end. Suffice it to say that I don't feel secure when alone.

I wanted the lovely thought of having someone I can be intimate with. Someone who has chosen to be with me because I was good enough. My very bad sense of self comes into play again. Unless reminded by those close to me, I tend to belittle myself too much, doubting my ability to do things well. When that person leaves me, I would retreat to my old insecurities and succumb to feelings of inadequacy. I wasn't good enough that's why I was left alone is my mantra.

It took me years to realize this. Am just too glad that I was able to see this this summer. This summer had been the emptiest for me in terms of having that someone. It was very difficult at first that with the gnawing thought that consumes me always... I am inadequate.

For years, I tried to push the thought away by entertaining guys I don't really like. All for the wrong reasons. I wanted affirmation. A guy's appreciation of me meant that I was good enough. It meant that I was worthy of attention that there's something special in me. I can enumerate more non-guy related instances but I'm using this as prime example first to illustrate how bad my sense of self-worth is.

Grudgingly, I lived off summer being too busy and tired to be able to think about my inadequacy. I got into rpgs, hairstyling, make-up, movies, and baby videos too. At times (especially on inal [i need a lover] weekends), the thought creeps back and makes me feel down. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I have understood this whole inadequacy angle behind the need to be desired.

Finally acknowledging that I am one insecure person took a lot of courage too. It took a lot of mental processing even.

Sure it would take a lot of time to crush this feeling and put it permanently behind me. I take comfort in my new resolve to not waste any more of my time going out with guys I don't even like just because I need that certain feeling of self-worth.

I shared all these to a good friend and all R said was, "I'll ask you again tomorrow."