Not so random summer reflections part 2

Hurrah for a summer reflection posted in December!

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Love. I used to substitute this for short "relationships" that's fun in the beginning but becomes painfully bad for my ego towards the end. Suffice it to say that I don't feel secure when alone.

I wanted the lovely thought of having someone I can be intimate with. Someone who has chosen to be with me because I was good enough. My very bad sense of self comes into play again. Unless reminded by those close to me, I tend to belittle myself too much, doubting my ability to do things well. When that person leaves me, I would retreat to my old insecurities and succumb to feelings of inadequacy. I wasn't good enough that's why I was left alone is my mantra.

It took me years to realize this. Am just too glad that I was able to see this this summer. This summer had been the emptiest for me in terms of having that someone. It was very difficult at first that with the gnawing thought that consumes me always... I am inadequate.

For years, I tried to push the thought away by entertaining guys I don't really like. All for the wrong reasons. I wanted affirmation. A guy's appreciation of me meant that I was good enough. It meant that I was worthy of attention - that there's something special in me. I can enumerate more non-guy related instances but I'm using this as prime example first to illustrate how bad my sense of self-worth is.

Grudgingly, I lived off summer being too busy and tired to be able to think about my inadequacy. I got into rpgs, hairstyling, make-up, movies, and baby videos too. At times (especially on inal [i need a lover] weekends), the thought creeps back and makes me feel down. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I have understood this whole inadequacy angle behind the need to be desired.

Finally acknowledging that I am one insecure person took a lot of courage.

Sure it would take a lot of time to crush this feeling and put it permanently behind me. I take comfort in my new resolve to not waste any more of my time going out with guys I don't even like just because I need that certain feeling of self-worth.

Not so random summer reflections part 1

Summer has just started for me and yet I strangely miss having to wake up craaaazy early to prepare for the office. Now that I can wake up any time within the day (or not wake up at all... hahaha), my eyes, as if on autopilot, opens at 6 in the morning.

I had the chance to meet wonderful people which I can connect to in different ways.
| Bianca - Her handwriting is superb as well as her being organized. I love how deceptively 'mahinhin' and 'reserved' she looks. I never expected her to have the best pa-sosyal, albeit exaggerated, "ermauhgawd" impression that makes everyone rofl.

| Dior - Damn this girl is waaaaaay cute and sweet! She is the epitome of thoughtfulness bringing treats for everyone to share.

| Benzi - Always the reliable dewd to share walks with. We tease him a lot for his "breyshes" that affectsh the way he shpeaks. Good thing this guy is very cool, if not, he'd have gone mad at our relentless taunts.

| Daryl - Looks like a girl. Period. He is too beautiful to be a boy. We find it very hard not to get all insecure with his to die for chinita beauty and lithe body. I also got most of the cute rpgs I spend sleepless nights playing (The Witch and The Warrior, Arevan, etc.) from him.

| Jose - An uncommon man with a common name. We weren't able to spend as much time with him since he was assigned in a different cubicle, nevertheless, I appreciate his passion for films. He's practically seen the movies in my 'to watch' list. He takes great pictures too!

(web)camwhoring with bee and dee

Now back here in my dorm room, alone with only the internet and music to keep me company, I cannot help but be reminded of these people I spent loads of time with laughing, sharing stories, eating lunch for the rest of my April to May gig at that prelude to what comes after college - work. Hope to hang-out with them soon! <3

Wong Kar Wai's love flick*

typographies were challenged in wkw's in the mood for love. he cleverly creates that ideal set-up to fall in love, makes you pine for the characters to develop strong feelings for each other, and bam! before you know it the film inconclusively ends without the closure that was expected of standard romantic flicks.

two good looking people, living in the same apartment albeit different rooms, sharing the same interest for comics and the same stall where dinner is bought shrink these individuals' worlds such that they'd have to eventually meet and speak to each other. 

so many scenes were cut that you wonder what happened while they were inside the hotel room. common sense tells you nothing happened since they do not have weird faces on the next scene (a typical after sex look common in romantic flicks where girl looks really glowing and instantly parts from her straight hair to curly hair for the added romantic feel). but then again it's wkw, the maindie (indie who made it mainstream or mainstream but makes indie looking films) who in the whole movie is telling you to reconsider your expectations that took years and years of watching movies to be formed. 

one thing is consistent though, the musical score. every time the main characters are close to each other, the same music is played. in a way, the music creates a confusion especially when it is played and yet the characters are away from each other. 

what makes it a more interesting watch is that it viciously breaks all your expectations and makes you feel really warm and fuzzy inside at the slightest body contact. why? because no intimate physical contact happened in the movie that the slightest show of affection makes your heart pop out of your eyes. 

the movie makes for a good, slow friday night with a cup of warm coffee or hot chocolate and cupcake with friends or the significant other.

*gleaned from Film 100: Intro to Film under Prof. P. Campos

**poster taken from here