relapse

Just when things finally start to be ok, an unexpected thing happens. The song you've been trying so hard not to hear again is played. The rest is history. Wet pillows. Puffed eyes. Pounding head.

You should be congratulating yourself for an 8-hour straight of letting your mind attend to more important things in your life. Like for example, doing the laundry without unconsciously humming the song that holds so much memory of how fun it would have been like if.

Then you realize, things don't work that way. And you are doomed. You are still in the state where your mind knows there's nothing more to cling on to yet you still grab whatever opportunity to get a feel of what has been. You look at old pictures, listen to the songs you used to sing to express unsaid feelings, and stare into nothingness reliving what was and adding your own version to the definitely finished story you want to edit. 

Too bad real-life is not easily edit-able as those books you make fan-fics about. It's hard to mess up with what's already done because new people come in the picture. And new characters mean new loose ends and new complications. 

Often times you regret ever doing and saying things that led to the demise of something you don't have a name for. You wouldn't have been suffering for the same thing you've suffered for the past couple of months if you hadn't pulled the trigger. Bang!

Now you're left with pieces of scattered shrapnel which no one else could clean but you.