Friday, June 24, 2011

Malaysia's aftertaste

I do not grow fins or scales whenever I eat fish and chips, but I am overcome by the sea of nostalgia filling me as I remember two people who have made a difference in my life. The first one is Hidayah, a Malay girl who radically changed my view of the Islamic community. Whereas before I was a staunch believer of Islam being equananimous to the entirety of one's being, I have come to understand that though it plays a huge role in the formation of one's values, it does not make the person different from all the other ones with different religions. I have always tolerated their presence and accepted them as they are without question having been born and raised in Mindanao. But my friendship with Hidayah has made me appreciate how Muslims value their faith and go to great lengths just to practice it. The other one is that boy who made me feel I am attractive and worth all the effort. I clearly remember those numerous times he drives to my former hostel found on a hill just to bring me some fish and chips take out so he can share it with me whenever I make all sorts of excuses just so I do not see him. That day, when I had to say goodbye as I am to return to the Philippines, I finally agreed that he take me out on a date at a nice restaurant so we could eat fish and chips on a candle lit dinner for the first and last time.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Backlogs

I'm so happy having crossed out some of my work backlogs from my list! Finally! It feels so good to have one work load out of my mind.

It rained the whole day so I wasn't able to go to my college to enroll. I got all the subjects that I need so I wasn't pressured, at all, to go early.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Remember when.

I used to sulk a lot about my unfortunate ventures at love.I still do, a little bit. I am a work in progress. From time to time certain songs remind me of failed attempts at finding that person. It gets really frustrating when everyone who matter is introducing me to the people they're intimate with. 

Now, I am trying to stay firm in my resolve to stop looking and work on my self-esteem. After all, I should be the one who should be loving myself before anyone else could find me lovable.





Friday, June 3, 2011

Tumblring finally.

I have finally started to sort of organize my online presence. :) It gets me really confused which to update and yada yada.

This blog shall stay and will be home to longer entries dedicated to anything that I find interesting.

The other uh... page? blog? tumblog? idk what to call it shall be home to pictures, shorter texts (2 paragraphs max). I am not into photography as I am too lazy to learn the complex process of taking great pictures. Most pictures there would be an homage to my "lomography dream" that I cannot fulfill yet. I'm still in college and the hobby's pretty impractical knowing how little I earn. :| Pictures there are just digitally-enhanced to look like lomo pics. Anyhow, the essence of lomography will still be followed - that point-and-shoot principle, whichever comes by principle... Let me just clear it out that I have high respect for pro-photographers who sweat it out to produce art through their photographs. It just isn't my thing but rest-assured that I shall take decent photographs albeit being taken without much cognitive involvement.

Click on this link to see how it's going so far... neenaland.tumblr.com

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Love. I used to substitute this for short "relationships" that's fun in the beginning but becomes painfully bad for my ego towards the end. Suffice it to say that I don't feel secure when alone.

I wanted the lovely thought of having someone I can be intimate with. Someone who has chosen to be with me because I was good enough. My very bad sense of self comes into play again. Unless reminded by those close to me, I tend to belittle myself too much, doubting my ability to do things well. When that person leaves me, I would retreat to my old insecurities and succumb to feelings of inadequacy. I wasn't good enough that's why I was left alone is my mantra.

It took me years to realize this. Am just too glad that I was able to see this this summer. This summer had been the emptiest for me in terms of having that someone. It was very difficult at first that with the gnawing thought that consumes me always... I am inadequate.

For years, I tried to push the thought away by entertaining guys I don't really like. All for the wrong reasons. I wanted affirmation. A guy's appreciation of me meant that I was good enough. It meant that I was worthy of attention that there's something special in me. I can enumerate more non-guy related instances but I'm using this as prime example first to illustrate how bad my sense of self-worth is.

Grudgingly, I lived off summer being too busy and tired to be able to think about my inadequacy. I got into rpgs, hairstyling, make-up, movies, and baby videos too. At times (especially on inal [i need a lover] weekends), the thought creeps back and makes me feel down. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I have understood this whole inadequacy angle behind the need to be desired.

Finally acknowledging that I am one insecure person took a lot of courage too. It took a lot of mental processing even.

Sure it would take a lot of time to crush this feeling and put it permanently behind me. I take comfort in my new resolve to not waste any more of my time going out with guys I don't even like just because I need that certain feeling of self-worth.

I shared all these to a good friend and all R said was, "I'll ask you again tomorrow."