Thursday, March 31, 2011

Bambi's lament

Dum dum, my heart
as I hear
Dumb dumb, the crowd
jeers

Flashing
lights my face's
practiced
stretch my cheek's
almost cracking - my diaphanous
life

Boss up there
frapping his gem
around legalities -documents
contracts, to me strangers

Do this and you'll be free - my boss
all's a glibido, a game
we've played for fifteen years

A certain angle,
a certain
pose I flash
my long legs,
men's fantasy

I close
my eyes to flashing
lights and even that
is headline

Scold me please.

On a typical day, I'm not whiny. Not too self-conscious either. Anyhow, biggest confession. Well, not too big if you know me very well.

I HAVE BEEN EATING A LOT LATELY. And it isn't the 'always exaggerated' type of story health-conscious girls tell. If I were to keep a food journal, 50 pages won't be enough to chronicle the food I stuff in my body for two weeks.

My journey with food goes a long long way back. I would like to blame it to my grandmother for using a ladle to feed me when I was younger. Fine, I would like to think that it's her fault so I could relieve myself of the guilty-feeling of having eaten too much. After all, she was the first person to ever feed me with human food. *evil grin

My my... Last night was terrible. Full-on gluttony. And the worst thing is, I wasn't even heartbroken or rejected. You know, like in movies, how girls get a license to eat more than what a small country with 7 million people consumes in a day.

Thinking about it, I may have gained a few pounds just from last night. Oh man. Is there such a thing as a food-whore? Never did I ever, have I ever said no to food. Well, unless they're crabs (coz I'm allergic to them) and seashells (all kinds of it) coz it makes me puke. Tell you this, I am not a picky-eater. Those two are the only food I've rejected so far.

I've tried quite a number of Asian and Western cuisine and I must say, I always found something that I love from each dish. I'll never be a great food critique. I'd never rate anything below 80% anyway.

About last night? Let's see. I didn't eat breakfast because I woke up quite late. Ate lunch with my friend and after which I went to an 'iskrambol' stall to get myself one with additional milk and cookies. Late in the afternoon, my friend arrived and was very depressed about her exam so she asked me to accompany her to the iskrambol stall. So I went with her despite having eaten one right after lunch. After getting one, we ate siomai. And being *ehem health-conscious as we were, we *ehem split one order of siomai between us, just so we feel better that we're trying hard to control our *ehem cravings. Dinner came and we were frustrated to learn that the canteen won't be serving fried chicken - the only dorm food that we really look forward for. One resident even commented (on the food served instead of fried chicken) that it was, "brown na manok na nilunod sa mantika". I think this is the part where we, in its essence, became heartbroken. How dare them build our hopes high only to crush it by serving one of the most dreaded food!

Instead of eating, we spent some of our allowance to eat out. We ordered the always reliable adobo and felt happy. I got quite impatient (because it takes them a while to prepare the food) so I went to a stall and got myself some barbecue. Order came and we saw a couple of others ordering soft drinks. With the pressure to conform having gotten to us (and maybe plain pagiging inggitera), we ordered more a liter of it. Perfect, right?

It doesn't end there. As we were slightly limping back to our dorm, since it's hard to walk with our stomach being heavier than all parts of our body, we stopped by the university's shopping center. That's  where I saw my favorite milk balls (i know there's gotta be some Filipino term for it but the ate didn't know so milk balls for now). I bought one again and ate the whole packet.

We came to the dorm around 8:30 pm. Time is very important here. Around 1 am, we felt the hunger again. As per unanimous decision, we called McDonald's for two orders of chicken fillet with rice. We waited for an hour and devoured the food when it arrived. Mabilis pa sa alas kwatro.

Despite having papers to do, we slept well after eating.

Too much right? I think we have eaten our week's worth of kcal needs. Anyhow, today's a different day (and we've actually spent almost half of our allowance for food), how long could I hold up until I reach for another serving of rice?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Kani sa para gamay ra ang kasabot.

Tama gyud si S kadtong giingon niya nga ganahan kaayo ko sa mga lalaking ilabayay na. Naa ning si boy musician nga pirmi ra gabalik balik sporadically sa akong kinabuhi. Chos. Actually, mahinumduman ra nako siya pag maminaw ko ug senti nga music. Tingali ok na gyud ko kay pag maminaw ko'g senti nga music, although mahunahunaan nako siya, mas maisip man nuon nako akong future.

Dili man sa wa gyud siyay kaugmaon pero di ra pud siya mufigure well tingali sa kinabuhi nga gusto nako. Admittedly, di gyud ko ganahan ug kinabuhi nga pirmi kulang or di mag-igo ang resources para sa mga kinahanglan. Actually, di gyud ko ganahan nga mag-igo ra pud. Dapat naa pud extra. Lol. Ngano man pud daw nako ni ginahuna huna. Ahaha.

Sige, sa pinakamabaw nga level, di man pud nako siya kaya ipa ilaila tingali sa akong mga amiga ug ginikanan.Pero uy. Humana man to. Haha. Niabot na gyud pud tingali ko sa point nga kapoy na. Huna-hunaa pud daw nga since 2nd yr college pako naay gibati para niya. Just to clarify, wala gyud mi ani niya nahimong item. Amigo ra mi ani unya ako nga pirti kadali mailad naghuna huna nga naa pay pwede kaadtoan ang among thing. Lor.

Pero kadto akong gibati niya, first time gyud baya to nga ato kabongga. Ahaha. Liman ka ug magrecord pa ko ana ug mga kanta nako para niya nga ako ra pud ang makadungog. Naa pa gani toy time nga nag-imagine ko nga hatagan nako siya ug CD nga naa didto iyang mga paborito nga kanta. Pero siyempre wala nako to nahimo. Ako ra tingaling nahatag niya kay Christmas card ug kanang para sa gitara na thing. Di pa gyud ko sigurado kung nahatag ba gyud to nako.

Sige sige... Iiingon na nako tanan since ok na man gyud kaayo tingali ko. Easier na para nako iingon ang tanan dinhi knowing nga gamay ra man pud ang kasabot ug binisaya. Haha. Ug wala man pud tingali koy reader nga bisaya. Ug gusto nako iimmortalize na ni nga memory kay basi malimtan na nako. Anyhow, sige na...

1st honor sa among memory together
Since sobra ka ginafancy gyud nako ang memories, game! Back story lang diay, di kaayo ko ganahan ug picutres labi na pag naa ko didto mao nga mas grabe ko makaremember tungodd pud tingali nga di lagi ko ganahan ug pictures. Amo tingaling best memory kay kadtong nagkita mi for the first time. Awkward pero exciting. Namugnaw baya ko ato. Gidala ko niya sa ilang gamay nga stall. Gitudluan ko niya pag gamit atong iyang balisong man tingali ang tawag (kanang mura ug swiss knife) unya siyempz, talawan man ko, wa gyud ko katuon. Ahaha. Nag gitara pud to siya. Wala ko kahinumdom kung unsa nga kanta since mas nagconcentrate ko sa pagpahinay sa pagpitik sa akong kasing kasing kay pirti lagi nakong kulbaa. Haha. Man, hardcore school girl kilig gyud to. Di na ko karemember kung unsa among gistoryahan. Pero nalingaw ko ato kay gipabaligya ko niya ug prutas. Abog baya kaayo to. Pirti nakong paningkamot nga di makaatsing kay ulaw kaayo.

2nd honor sa among memory together
kadto tingaling nagstorya mi bahin sa iyang mga kaagi. kada wednesday gyud na. di gyud na mapakyas. magstorya na siya ug mga kabuang niya nga wa diri wa didto nga di nako kaya maimagine tungod kay super dark juvenile delinquency to the max. hambogero siya gamay pero funny so madala dala ra niya iyang mga pagpahambog about sa iyang fame sa ilang eskwelahan. Pirmi ko ani niya tawagon nga boring kay wala lagi koy alam nga laing buhaton kung dili magtuon. I have come into terms with this, mao gyud ko. Ganahan gyud ko mag eskwela. Ug honestly, dili lang siya para makakuha ug mga kung unsa unsa diha, ganahan lang gyud ko makahibalo. Pakapin na lang tingali nang mga ihatag. Sa iyang mga storya, gina apil gyud na niya iyang fascination sa death metal. Naa man gud siyay banda, siya ang gitarista dayon mao ilang ginaplay nga music. Naa man gani diay koy notebook nga naa didto ang akong notes sa iyang mga ganahan nga kanta (kay magburn lagi unta ko ug isa ka CDhan nga naa didto iyang favorite nga mga kanta).


Mga kabuang nga gibuhat in the name of the L word nga the first time I did I thought made so much sense
1. naghimo ko ug love letter.
bare all. raw. haha. kay kadto lagi. ganahan nako na unta itake into a notch higher ang among thing. siyempre, wala ni siya nagsucceed in a way kay wala man naaattain ang desired result. lingaw baya to akong love letter. pirti pa namong brainstorm ato ni R kung imail ba nako or email ra. Unya nag isip pa gyud ko ato kung cursive or typewritten. kay pag handwritten man gud, personal kaayo. imperfections and all. kung computerized, siymepre formal ang dating. in the end i went for computerized unya email kay pobre man ko ato. walay wawarts pang snail mail or LBC.

2. sulat ug pangalan niya sa akong notebook. 
napuno akong usa ka notebook ug pangalan niya. ahahahaha. of all sizes, shapes, font style. ana ko ka inlababo niya that time. pero keri ra man. lingaw pud baya.

3. pag-adto nako ug malaysia halos kada gabii ko gahilak para niya duyog sa kanta ni sara bareilles nga between the lines ug gravity.
crayola si lola hantod 6 am kay didto ang sunrise kay mga 730 pa man. pila pud to ka bulan. mao na masabtan ninyo kung unsa katight among bond sa music ni sara b. gabi gabi ba naman ko niya ubanan ug pahilakon... pero siyempz, naa man pud other boylets didto so bisan ug gahilak ko pag ako na lang usa sa room kay pag adlawan, mingle to the max man pud.

4. pag unfriend ug block sa iyaha sa facebook.
as if this can stop me from thinking about him! haha. siyempre dili. pero pa effect lang ni para kunyari ok na ko. pero thinking about it now, basi gani nabati gyud niya ug taman nga grabe gyud akong lurve para niya kay naghatag pa ko ug time para lang ierase siya. :)

5. pagsulat ug politically correct love letter para niya 
naamaze pud ko kay capable diay ko ato nga kind of anger. haha. pirmi gyud nako ni ginaingon nga di ko kabalo maglagot. pwede ko maglagot pero yawyaw lang. kanang magconfront, dili gyud. pag lagot na kaayo ko, hilak sa kilid ra gyud akong kaya buhaton. mao pud tingali nga maglisod ko mismo mag identify kung nagahilak ba ko tungod nasakitan ko o tungod kay nagalagot ko. haha. ambot. naderail na ang topic.

6. nagpapicture kauban niya
it must have been something gyud. sa tanan nga nahimo nakong something WALA gyud koy picture with any of them. di lagi ko ganahan ug pictures mao nga di gyud ko musugot magpapicture kauban tong mga niagi na. pero sa iyaha, bow down si ma'am. tiklop ang pride ug nagpapicture. pero naerase na man gud pud nako ang picture. sayang. payat baya ko didto ug blooming. haha.

pag naa koy mahuna hunaan pa, ipost ra nako na pud.

wa pa ni conclusion. unya na pud pag makalugar ko.

Being a big fan that I am, tonight would be about Sara Bareilles' songs again. :)

Mechanics: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, answer these questions.
                  You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title.
                  It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "my life according to (band name/artist)"


Note: I btw, to make it more interesting turned the shuffle on and let technology dictate who I am... :D

Describe yourself: King of Anything (now this is sassy. but i like it still.)
How do you feel: City (it also sounds like shitty. ahaha)
Describe where you currently live: Many the Miles (away from you, many the miles yes)
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Gravity (something always brings me back to you... oh man. i'm over you. but why for all possible songs, this? now what?)
Your favourite form of transportation: Breathe Again 
Your best friend is: Too Good For You (too true! i can only be half [well not even close] as good. i feel like a baddie now]
Your fear: Between The Lines 
What would you love to do right now: Love on the Rocks (it could be that i'd love to make love on the rocks or find love on the rocks? whatever. this isn't making sense to me. you could prolly help?)
Where do you want to be: Bottle It Up (in a bottle? what? a genie in a bottle? hahahahaha)
What are you proud of: Let the Rain
What do you want: Send Me The MOON (this is getting interesting... i love the moon)
What do you want to discover: Waiting to See
What would you like to happen: Say You're Sorry
What would you do for happiness: Hold My Heart
What is the best advice you have to give: Pretend (what?)
Thought for the day: Gonna Get Over You 
How I would like to die: Red (gruesome e?)
My soul's present condition: Uncharted
My motto: Any Way The Wind Blows

♫♪How much do you go to be gone
You are any way the wind blowsAny way the wind blows in ♪♫

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Conjunctions for a quickie

The only songs I've been listening to are those from my Wicked playlist. Elphaba sounds really deluded. Delicious. And Nessa sounds like she has colds but it fits her well. I don't know how it's called, maybe contralto? I'm more drawn to singers with deep, sorrowful voices. Like Norah Jones, Fiona Apple, Amy Winehouse, and..... SARA BAREILLES. Haha. This could be love.

I've always dreamed of becoming a bar singer so I could wear sparkly dresses and green sneakers and ruby red lips. Nothing soothes me better than the thought of having enough time someday to do things I've always wanted to do. Like learn how to play the ukulele and write my own songs for the ukulele. I'll write about love. Or food. Or that man who sells pasta just outside the dorm. Or sadness. Or happiness. Or hope. Or fear. Or triumph. Or those sassy retorts I have for people who ask me silly things. I'd be the notorious badass ukulele singer who has a sweet voice. Not too sweet though. And then the world will understand how it's like for me for now. But dramas like mine can wait until I have finally become the person that I am in my mind. As a rule I can't prattle about a sad little life I've had until after my dreams have come true.

And then I'll be a lawyer. And I'll kick-ass because I do high-profile cases while doing pro bono work on the side. 

And then I'll have a house with a picket fence by the beach. I will have toothless dogs and a goldfish. I will name my goldfish Sundae. Because Sundaes are cold. And goldfishes are cold too. Swimming in the water... alone... that could get awfully cold right? 

And then I'll travel with Lucy to take pictures of graffiti wherever. And then we will do the backpacking thing. Just our passport and tons of credit cards. We will meet so many people and we will make a lot of new friends. And then we would ask them to paste their pictures or write something on our scrap books. Because those things aren't cheesy. It's the most appropriate thing to do. Even if there's Facebook or maybe a social network that allows for holograms. Or. If Lucy's too busy, I'll travel alone. Or find someone else who could come with me. 

And then I'll make pancakes for my good friend Trisha and give it to her so she won't be hungry again. I'll make sure it's shaped like pork chops so she's fooled into thinking that those were pork chops. She likes meat so much. 

And then I'll go back to my  barangay. And fund a library in my elementary school. I'll name it after my grandfather. And then I'll put in a lot of books in there and educational toys. And then i'll pray that those kids will read the books I placed there so they can see how beautiful the world is. So they will learn to dream. So finally when they have learned how to dream they would want to do something else than get married after high school. So that our barangay will have a lot of dreamers who instead of sleeping are busy making their dreams come true. Or maybe I will just place a lot of picture books so they can see a lot of pictures. After all pictures are great too. 

For now I would have to deal with my homeworks first. Incorrect conjunction(ed) imaginings will be done later.

Zteg is already 3 years old. His hair is starting to thin. He's getting older. Here's a picture of us,




'til then... :)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Life's a mess and i'm so damn happy, what now?

Last week had been really hazy. I spent the days leaving my best friend in our room to cope with her own hell week so I can finish papers, data analysis, etc required for my major subject. I lived off the whole week by  drinking liters of energy drink. It's worked wonders so far. Though it can't really cover dark circles. But then, concealers were invented to conceal stress, duh. Haha.

I made a few great discoveries, all of which I owe to the nights of stress. I gained new friends. Weird because they've been my classmates for months now and yet we never really became friends. Until of course this required interaction. Most of the time, I just keep to myself and content with sharing jokes to close friends. Others do not really matter that much as long as I'm with the people I'm most comfortable to spend time with.

The people I used to not think much of are now part of my 'plane of consciousness'. I feel warm inside thinking that I've made new friends now and that the circle has become wider. Often times I found myself appreciating them for their varied talents. There's N who's really good at eating and writing (plus cramming), S who like me is obsessed with Sara B. (finally! someone who could tolerate my endless sara b rants!) and writes really good stories (ok. the comparison with me ends with sara b. i haven't written a decent short story in my life), then there's P whose sense of stat never fail to amaze me, C who does what she has to do efficiently and never ever gets mad despite the numerous 'table' demands, then there's Slave Girl who we fondly call ...Slave Girl because she tirelessly does things we ask her to do even if she's not really required to help the team, and then there's J who I've come to appreciate more now because she's always collected despite so much drama going around us. :D

I guess I'm never gonna be effective in divorcing feelings from work. But hey, it's what keeps me going so far. Those nights out (and the cash spent!) wouldn't have been bearable had it not been for their company. There's so much laughter even if we're riddled with work we don't know how to cope with.  It isn't over yet but so far it's been really great hanging out with them.

----
Really. What am I doing here updating this blog when I should be getting some school work done? If you happen to come by here, accept my apologies... I haven't written much. I will soon after all these school commitments are finished. :D
----
It's a Sunday and I suggest that you listen to good songs like Landslide (Dixie Chicks) and Vegas (Sara Bareilles).

        "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang     on." -Franklin D. Roosevelt

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Dear jerk LOSER (because you are acting like one despite your name being the opposite),

To assume that I was in to you as I was before is only a result of your conceit inability to understand that people change. Yes, pea-brain cerebrally-challenged jerk, I have changed a lot.

Whereas before you meant the whole world to me, now, you are nothing but an annoying booger, egotistical , sexist alpha male who thinks that he is everything that a woman needs. Let me point it out to you that you are not worth it. A waste of time even. I only wrote this so I can send this link to you when you feel again that I am head over heels in love with you.

I may be wrong about a couple of things, but I am certain about this - I DO NOT LOVE YOU. And I would never go after you because you don't matter are a douche bag do things that rub me the wrong way.

To think that I am chatting you up because I can't survive without your presence is totally wrong. When I say that I need a distraction, it doesn't mean that I miss you. You are a guy for God's sake burger's sake! You are not supposed to go about reading into every sentence as if it is loaded with cryptic shit content! The way you reacted only goes to show just how fucked up twisted you are. Dude, it's been what? A fucking year (or more) has passed since! You think I lived in a vacuum all the while?

I went away partly to get over you, that I admit. I have come back partly successful with my attempt. Though I still had feelings for you before, I have begun to enjoy life without you (you should know this because I used to regularly update you with my status). To go on insisting that I am still in to you is moronic beyond me.

Stop acting like you are some rock star stuck in that body of yours. Because honestly, when I look at you, all I see is a sullen-eyed guy whose eye socket is heavily outlined by nights and nights of doing whatever I don't give a shit care about and undisciplined drinking. You are not Mick Jagger. And even if you were, you are not my type anymore. I'm done with the fooling with the bad boys hoping that they'd change for the better stage. Before I might even consider giving you a second look, you oughtta do something with your life first. I doubt if that would be enough especially now that you've sunk so low as to presuming that you are worth my attention.

Go fuck up your life! I don't care! Go keep on doing what you do! It's your life after all. Just don't go assuming that I would gladly take spoiled goods like you.

Now now... All I really want to say is, get lost HAVE A NICE LIFE!


Sincerely not yours,

Cyborg